Less discussed in the literature yet experienced by 40% of bipolar individuals at least once in their lives, the mixed episode can sometimes appear without warning but often between a manic episode and a depressive episode. I discussed in a dedicated article how this episode presents both (hypo)manic and depressive characteristics. Here, I recount my experience of a mixed episode that was devastating.
Warning: This article contains explicit descriptions of psychological distress, suicidal ideation, and self-destructive behavior.
If you are struggling, take care of yourself and seek support. See Help and support.
📋 TL;DR : My mixed episode
- Between euphoria and despair: an unbearable coexistence.
- Extreme agitation ↔ endless crying spells.
- Body in anger, mind in tears.
- Persistent suicidal thoughts, destructive impulses.
- Inner chaos → loss of control, real danger.
wake_up(4am)
chaos.enable()
chaos.multiply(1000)
… Starting processes… &;@3!;9:‘ebf’
… /!\ System error
… /!\ Reboot impossible
… Program chaos.bin prevents system shutdownI was euphoric yesterday. Today, life is devoid of meaning. What am I doing on this planet? I bring misfortune and destruction. Destruction, yes, that’s what I need. My skin is burning. I was electric yesterday. Today, I want to tear this skin off to get out of my body. Nothing is right anymore. I don’t smile anymore. I don’t feel joy anymore. I want to destroy everything. Myself first.
When everything is too much
The day goes on. I do nothing. Well, I pace around my apartment. I feel sadder and sadder. Sad? Or angry? Probably both, I don’t even know anymore. Everything blends together, nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t understand what’s happening to me but I want everything to stop. I try to tell my brain to stop. No, it doesn’t work. I have no control over my emotions anymore. They flood in at breakneck speed, especially the negative ones.
Everything has become unpleasant. The fabric on my body, the hot water of my shower, the cold water of my shower. Food has lost its taste. So I add salt, spices, pepper. Nothing changes. Except the colors, they become dull, they don’t vibrate anymore. That makes me sad.
The loop: endless crying spells
So much that I cry. Crying spells that never end. You’d think my body has an infinite water reserve dedicated to my sadness. I cry, and I don’t even know why. I have never felt so devastated. Everything has lost its interest. Even though yesterday, everything was fine. I don’t understand. There is nothing to understand, it’s not possible. I keep pacing around my apartment but I sob at the same time hoping my heart will suddenly stop. I hit a wall. I need to externalize this horrific feeling I’m living through. That’s what a mixed episode causes: a body in anger, a mind in tears.
Suicide as the only emergency exit
I force myself to go out to see friends. On the way, I feel like throwing myself into the road every time a car passes. Unbearable, that’s the word. Or terrifying, perhaps. I’m afraid of myself. I’m told to hold on, to be brave. It’s not courage, it’s survival instinct that is still preserved. How long will it last? My dark thoughts have become chaotic. I want everything to end and there seems to be only one solution. I have only one idea left in mind. Finding a way to end my life.
The problem is that there is no problem. How do you fix what doesn’t exist? I need to put an end to my overwhelming emotions that I’m trying to escape. I remember this sentence: “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Here, the sadness does not end and will not end. It is therefore the permanent solution to a permanent problem.
Smiling, a utopia
A friend tells me to smile. Why? There is no reason to smile. Why is he smiling, then? That’s the real question. The world is full of problems surrounding us, there is no reason to be optimistic. He’s deluding himself. Another friend notices that I stopped my treatment. It was useless anyway. He orders me to take it and checks. I take two Doliprane to satisfy him and refuse medication that doesn’t work.
I feel like laughing and collapsing at the same time. So I alternate. I sometimes laugh (even by myself) before crying and returning to my dark thoughts. The window seems seductive. Then I laugh again at the absurd idea of throwing myself from the second floor and simply risking a broken leg. Though, it could work. The tears flow again. A flood of tears. And I hit a wall, again.
Destroy, everything
I then resume pacing and call a friend, thinking it will make me feel more cheerful. It doesn’t work. I’m not even listening to what he’s saying. So I keep walking aimlessly. Crying. Everything has to stop. I want to smash everything, burn everything, annihilate everything, destroy everything. Luckily, I’m going to succeed.
It’s been going on for a week. I have a party planned. The euphoria has settled back in, still tinged with an urge to collapse. But I go, optimistic. Everything will go well. I’m confident. After all, I’m a god, even if I plan to pull off the trick of killing a god—immortal. I’m confident. Except…
My internal system is undergoing an internal cyber-attack.
mode.tornado.enable()
… Extreme frustration: Enabled.
… Extreme anger: Enabled.
… Extreme agitation: Enabled.
… Insane mode: Enabled.
… Opening all programs until system saturation: Done.
… Control: Disabled.I broke everything. And lost a very close friend. In 5 minutes. The episode overpowered my reason.
It reached my tolerance threshold.
Stop.
I am still alive. Still sad, empty. But no longer agitated.
📋 TL;DR: Mixed episode chaos
- The mixed episode blends euphoria and despair within the same body.
- It is a brutal coexistence of tears, agitation, and dark thoughts.
- Excess: anger, instability, destructive impulses.
- Behind every flash of energy comes a vertiginous fall.
- Then comes the real danger: loss of control and self-destruction.
The mixed episode is not a simple alternation (though it can be). The two episodes coexist, to the greatest despair of the person experiencing it. It plunges them into an unbearable chaos that puts them in real danger. It is one of the most difficult states to live through in bipolar disorder.