A former friend once asked me how I perceived being in love. I replied that it was “a whole lot of unpleasant sensations in the body.” I had not yet been diagnosed, and it amused him a great deal. He had never heard that kind of description before, and my answer was instinctive. I myself think I had indeed never encountered this description elsewhere (I had even researched it thoroughly, like a diligent student, to break it down).
It is well known to almost all people with bipolar disorder, some experiencing it far more often than their (hypo)manic episodes and very often for much longer. While a hypomanic episode may last only a few days, depression can last for months. I discuss it in detail in a dedicated article. I have experienced it an incalculable number of times, notably due to the rapid-cycling nature of my bipolar disorder, and I present here the account of one of them.
Less discussed in the literature yet experienced by 40% of bipolar individuals at least once in their lives, the mixed episode can sometimes appear without warning but often between a manic episode and a depressive episode. I discussed in a dedicated article how this episode presents both (hypo)manic and depressive characteristics. Here, I recount my experience of a mixed episode that was devastating.
Mania may seem seductive, but it destroys (even neurons). After detailing manic episodes in bipolar disorder, and in order to illustrate them, I chose to describe one as I experience it. My goal is to show its raw reality. When I take a manic turn, my brain functions like a program whose objective is to destroy its host.
Following my articles on episodes of bipolar disorder, it is time to illustrate them with a vivid and raw narrative. This article will be the first in a chronological series recounting my lived experience of the bipolar cycles that haunt my life. Hypomania may seem appealing, but it represents my first danger. It makes me productive, yet it is also the earliest warning sign. Because hypomania often gives rise to a succession of phases leading to an almost inevitable final crash.
After the (hypo)manic episode or the mixed episode, depression arrives. Almost systematically. And the higher one flies, the more violent the final crash. The depressive episode is the bipolar episode that speaks most clearly even to those unfamiliar with the disorder. Literature and science have addressed it in thousands of articles. It is better known simply as depression. Between 13 and 20% of the population (according to Wikipedia) will experience it at least once in their lifetime. It is an integral part of bipolar disorder and haunts the lives of those who suffer from it.
The mixed episode is probably the most terrifying episode of bipolar disorder. Some will tell you that if they put themselves in the gravest danger, the mixed episode was likely the precursor. Less than half of people with bipolar disorder will experience such an episode at least once in their lifetime. The accounts and testimonies of those affected are chilling. Long considered an episode specific to bipolar type I, it is now known that all types are concerned.
The manic episode, for all people with bipolar type I, is the logical continuation of the hypomanic episode. Sleep is drastically reduced and energy multiplies. The person seems to behave more and more abnormally. While hypomania can go more unnoticed, the manic episode completely alters the functioning of the bipolar person. The individual appears extremely euphoric, laughs very easily, makes puns, jumps from one idea to another, multiplies projects, has grandiose ideas, and in the most severe cases, may decompensate (psychosis).
To begin my series of articles on bipolar disorder episodes, I thought about presenting them to you in chronological order, reflecting their cycle. Hypomania is the first euphoric (or irritable) phase of this condition. It sometimes progresses either into mania (in bipolar disorder type I) or into depression. Hypomania — which can manifest in two drastically different ways — is what we’ll focus on in this article. I’ve experienced a large number of hypomanic episodes that turned me into a production machine, a walking factory.
After having explored autism in detail in my previous articles, it is now time to talk about my bipolar episodes, following the chronological order in which my cycles evolve. When people think of bipolar disorder, they often imagine someone who is sometimes sad, sometimes happy — someone who simply has mood swings (the definition of a “moody” person, essentially). The reality is far more complex. With bipolar disorder, a person oscillates between euphoric episodes and depressive ones. It is a very serious disorder that requires regular medical care to allow the affected person to function.
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