Mania may seem seductive, but it destroys (even neurons). After detailing manic episodes in bipolar disorder, and in order to illustrate them, I chose to describe one as I experience it. My goal is to show its raw reality. When I take a manic turn, my brain functions like a program whose objective is to destroy its host.
Note: This article contains descriptions of manic episodes involving risky behaviors (spending, driving, substance use, hypersexuality).
It is not intended to encourage these behaviors, but to bear witness to their reality as experienced in bipolar disorder.
📋 TL;DR: My manic episode
- Needing less sleep = an illusion.
- Mania → destructive.
- Euphoria → risk-taking, self-endangerment.
- Excess: reckless spending, substance use, etc.
- Chaos → inevitable crash and required medical care.
Mania is a phase of bipolar disorder characterized by excessive euphoria, a loss of control, and risky behaviors.
Chaos initialization
During a manic episode, I become a walking supercomputer. I process faster. My RAM is saturated. I’m in constant multithreading, switching from task to task. At surreal hours. Turning on the vacuum cleaner at 3 a.m. Running for 1 hour at 2 a.m. Without preparation. Starting a website project. No. Multiple website projects. Never finishing them. Blasting music while riding buses back and forth with no objective. Singing everywhere. Even in public. My brain operates according to this pseudo-code:
Required sleep time: 9h → 3h
isTired() = no
IF sleep.isDecreasing() THEN energy.grow()
Loop (the less I sleep) → the more I produce → (the less I sleep) → …
chaos.start()
IF saturation > threshold THEN crash.execute()The ultimate addiction
All of this is my daily life when I’m manic. It’s chaos. And I love it. Nicotine is said to be the most addictive substance in the world. With all due respect to researchers, they’re wrong. The most addictive thing is chemical. It’s the manic episode. As destructive as it is, once it starts, you always want more. You’ll do anything to amplify its effects. Cigarettes. Coffee. Alcohol. Drugs. The slightest stimulation becomes a real craving. Chaining fifteen coffees in a single day—nothing surprising.
The craziest part (bad pun intended) is that you don’t need it. You sleep less, you’re more energetic. From the outside, it’s incomprehensible. Just before my first real hospitalization, I stayed awake for 5 days. To recover, a short two-hour nap. And I was back at it. The energy caused by sleep deprivation is an illusion. And to be honest, it’s the illusion that hypnotizes me the most.
chaos.enable(storm)
processes.enable(all)An overheating brain
I become a machine for doing anything and everything. And I lose the ability to recognize it. Everything becomes a wonderful idea. Even bad ideas. Especially bad ideas. I turn into a public danger. Except that most of the time, the first victim is me. Not always. When manic, I lose any sense of danger.
sleep.reduce()
control.changeState(wavering)
seek.stimulations().all()When the brakes give way
🚙 Driving
I drive fast. Too fast. Speed limits become suggestions. Breaking them becomes a game. I’m on a road limited to 90 km/h?
- Cars on the road: none.
- Objective: double the limit.
- Success: yes.
- Speed reached: 182 km/h.
- Efficiency: total.
Chaos is total.
And it sets in quickly.
Within a few hours, dark matter meets my brain. The result is explosive. To avoid these risks behind the wheel (which endanger everyone), I no longer drive. The risks are too high.
❤️ Love and sexuality
Hypersexuality? Yes—so much so that it blows through the ceiling. My libido increases drastically. Having sexual partners? Possible. Multiplying them? Stimulating. On the same day? A challenge. But disappointing. The stimulation is never enough. And since I forget everything, I’m probably putting myself in danger.
My feelings? Multiplied tenfold. I fall in love with every pretty woman who crosses my path. Deeply. It’s an illusion. Probably. But the sensation is incredible. I genuinely believe I’m feeling something like never before. I’ve been in love before. Now it’s just more intense. Much more intense.
💬 Social barriers → collapsed
- Hugging complete strangers: normal.
- Making grand declarations of love: something new.
- Seeking contact with everyone: impossible to stop myself.
- Suggesting outings to people I never talk to: routine.
🧘 What relaxes me
Climbing a crane: soothing. Calm, at last. I’ve been fascinated by cranes for years. Now, I climb into them.
I listen to music constantly. I listen to songs. Coldplay. Eminem. Linkin Park. Numb/Encore by Linkin Park and Jay-Z. I alternate, unable to finish a song without switching. Something is off. I usually only listen to film scores. But it’s pleasant—I can sing. Everywhere. And put a smile on other people’s faces.
💶 Money
My money: it goes straight out the window.
I have no money left. –
No job either. ––
But I can go into overdraft +++++
The solution to get out of it -> we’ll see laterI have a robot vacuum cleaner. I need a better one. It costs 800 euros. Click, bought. I also buy Steelbook Blu-rays of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. They’re made of leather. I take a deep breath to inhale the smell. It grabs me, fascinates me. I spent the day at the bar. No. The week. I have a new project. But I’m thirsty. I have a song stuck in my head. Let’s go to the bar. I’ll start the project when I get back. I need to be efficient. Divide tasks to rule better.
I feel like getting a tattoo. I was going to do it anyway. I had an idea. Now it’s concrete. I gave in. The tattoo will be more fun than planned. The next day, I’m tattooed. Another 300 euros gone. No big deal. It was for my well-being.
My routines
My rituals and routines have vanished. That’s the first sign of chaos. But I don’t care. I don’t notice it. I’m saving time. Showering: no longer necessary. It slows me down. I’m operating too fast for the world around me. I’m disorganized. A few days ago, everything was in order. Now it’s a mess at home. Dishes not done. Objects no longer aligned on my table. Brushing my teeth—forgotten.
The world in 4K
Time: I have to optimize it. To do that, I need to sleep less. But I already sleep very little. Fine, I just won’t sleep at all. I’ll take a short nap afterward. For form’s sake. To optimize time, I get rid of the kitchen. I switch to delivered meals. Every time, it’s an explosion of flavors in my mouth. I feel each one individually. So I order delivery. Again. And again. Or I don’t eat at all. Even simpler. Anyway, a god doesn’t sleep.
And I feel like a god.
Invincible. All-powerful.
I still have that music in my head and my project. It’s changed shape. I have a new book project. An AI praised my previous book. It compared me to my favorite author. That means it’s great art. I have a new masterpiece in mind.
This feeling of invincibility is intense. Violent. Overwhelming. Waves of energy run through my whole body. The sensation is intoxicating. It gives me chills. I feel the hairs on my arm stand up. When one wave passes, another arrives. I feel good. All my senses are affected. I feel everything more deeply. But this time, it’s pleasant. The sun doesn’t burn my eyes—it shines. The world is saturated with colors. It’s full of details. The colors almost vibrate. I see it in 4K. The depth is more pronounced.
sommeil.réduire(2h)
chaos.intensifier(fortement)
contrôle.changerÉtat(perdu)Drifting into something else
I try to fall asleep. Impossible. Suddenly, my body takes control. I need to undress in a park. The goal: to feel the light, cool night breeze and the sensation of grass. I want to become one with nature. And anyway, I have no choice. My body acts on its own.
chaos.intensify(violently)
state.change(spinning_out)
judgment.changeState(gone)The colors that were vibrating seem different. I perceive movement in patterns. The foliage comes alive. It’s not the wind. The gravel moves. The postcard posters hanging on my wall come to life. You’d think I was on drugs. In fact, on the phone, people think I’m on drugs. They say my voice sounds different. Whatever—just let me live in peace.
The trees seem to be sending me signs. I hesitate to talk about it. People would think I’m crazy. I keep it to myself. I try to understand the message. The trees have geometric shapes. There is a pattern.
medication.increase(dosage)
me.sleep()The two outcomes
Outcome no. 1 — Forced return
I wake up. Sedated. Nothing changes. The day moves on and stimulation takes over again. Then, gradually, I calm down.
- Hospital = avoided.
- State = not stabilized.
- I start a blog and chain article writing → Hypomania = maintained.
- Change of treatment = necessary.
Now I have to return to reality. Realize all the money spent. The shame of certain behaviors. The tattoo I regret (though I come to accept it). Going back to a dull life after spending one month euphoric. Destructive, yes. But I can’t help feeling a sense of withdrawal.
chaos.stop()
reality.resume()
treatment.update()Outcome no. 2 — Chaos amplification
The medication leaves me completely sedated. Nothing changes. The chaos continues.
chaos.multiply(1000)
anger.activate()
sadness.activate()
frustration.activate()
despair.activate()The mixed episode is starting to show its face.
📋 TL;DR: The manic illusion
- The manic episode comes with a feeling of invincibility.
- It is an illusion fueled by sleep deprivation and stimulation.
- It leads to excesses and dangerous behaviors.
- Behind the energy lies chaos…
- Then the fall, and shame and/or regret.